Proper Procedures For Non-Functioning Navy Equipment
by redjagglerock
Summary: The Admiral is not having a good day. This is for anyone who has had the pleasure of dealing with government furnished equipment.


_A/N: I suggested a portion of this story to my boss as a team building exercise after several members of our team were without our computers for a week. He didn't want to take me up on the offer. So, I left it up to the Admiral to fulfill my wishes. I do realize that this is destruction of government property, and would never happen in the real world, but it's fiction, so I can vent my frustrations._

* * *

**JAG HQ**

**Falls Church, VA**

The Admiral inserted his Common Access Card (CAC) into the machine. It promptly told him, "No valid security certificates found. Please insert a new card, or try your card again." He had already tried rubbing the blasted seal with a pencil eraser hoping to clear any gunk off of it, but to no avail. He has also been through several reboots, but he keeps getting the same error. He slams his fist on the desk, resisting the temptation to hurl the rotten piece of machinery across the room. He hits the intercom button on his phone and gruffs, "Tiner, this stupid thing isn't working again!"

Tiner sighs apologetically, "I'm sorry Sir, I've already called the helpless desk twice, but the earliest they can get a tech here is tomorrow. Apparently rank has no privilege when you are talking to some pimply faced nineteen year old who thinks he is the next Steve Jobs."

The Admiral resigns himself to his fate, and responds, "Very well." He silently curses whatever idiot made the decision to hire the company responsible for keeping their IT Infrastructure in place.

The Admiral decides to attempt one last ditch effort and do a full shut down of his machine, but when it boots back up this time, he receives a blue screen, flashing the message, "Hard drive disk error, your computer must shut down." He drops his head in his hands and thinks 'I thought it was bad when I couldn't get e-mail from Norfolk. I give up!' Suddenly, a light bulb goes off in his head and he yells, "Tiner!"

Tine immediately opens the door and stands at attention in front of the irate Admiral. He doesn't want to add to his already bad mood.

The Admiral chuckles at Tiner's enthusiasm and inquires, "What's on the docket this afternoon?"

Tiner thinks for a moment, and replies, "Hang on, Sir. The info is on my calendar. Um, at my desk"

The Admiral resists the urge to laugh at Tiner's predicament. He hasn't told him, "At ease" and he knows Tiner wants to run to his desk for the requested information. He grunts, "Well don't just stand there, go get it!"

Tiner rushes to his desk, grabbing the requested information, and runs back into the Admiral's office, "Actually there are no court cases scheduled this afternoon."

For the first time all morning, the Admiral breaks out into a grin, "Fantastic! Have everyone meet me in the conference room in ten minutes. Dismissed!"

Tiner rushes out, and frantically runs around the bullpen exclaiming, "Staff meeting in the conference room, ASAP!"

Mac nearly collides with Harm, as they both exit their office at the same time. He looks at her, "Any idea what is going on?"

Mac shakes her head, "Not a clue, but it can't be good. The Admiral doesn't normally request staff call in the middle of the day."

Harm agrees, "Well, I guess we will know soon enough." He gestures for her to go ahead of him, and places his hand at the small of her back leading her towards the conference room.

The staff has assembled in the conference room as requested, and everyone is making small talk wondering what the hell is going on. The double doors swing open, abruptly, and everyone jumps up as Harm announces, "Admiral on deck!"

The Admiral says, "Be seated everyone. Since no one has any hearings scheduled for this afternoon, we are going to go participate in a field activity for some team building exercises. Everyone needs to grab some workout clothes and let's meet at the east entrance of Rock Creek Park at 1300. Dismissed!"

As they exit the conference room, Mac says, "Ok Flyboy, what did you do now?

Harm looks at her incredulously, "Me? I didn't do anything!"

Mac teases, "Well, you must have, if we are being subjected to team building exercises."

Harm answers, "Why do you always assume that it is MY fault?"

Mac smiles, "Because it usually is!"

Harm just shakes his head at his Marine, mentally making a note to pay her back later.

After several other folks have left the room to adhere to the Admirals' request, Lt. Sims looks at Tiner and tells him, "Spill it!"

Tiner stammers, "Ma'am?"

Harriet marches up to him so she is standing directly in front of him, "Don't Ma'am me! What is going on that we have to get together at the park? Who pissed the Admiral off?"

Tiner sighs, "As far as I know, no one. Well at least outside of the entire IT department supporting the US Navy. He's been having some technical difficulties today."

Harriet laughs, "Him and everyone else. Perhaps an afternoon in the park is definitely what everyone needs."

* * *

**Rock Creek Park**

**Washington, DC**

Everyone is gathered at Rock Creek Park, on time, as the Admiral ordered. The admiral bellows, "I'm sure the scuttlebutt started the minute I left the room, so I'll clear up all the rumors now. No one here has done anything to spark my fury." He looks pointedly at Harm before adding, "At least not today."

That earns a chuckle from the whole group. Mac elbows Harm in the ribs, "Told ya so, Flyboy!"

The Admiral says, "It's a gorgeous afternoon to be out of the office, so what do you say we start with a game of Frisbee? Everyone spread out a little."

Everyone looks at each other, as no Frisbee is in sight. Perhaps it is in the laptop bag that Tiner is holding. The Admiral walks over to Tiner, pulls his laptop out of the bag, and hands it to Harm. He tells him, "Your Frisbee, Commander, toss this to whomever you would like."

Harm looks down surprised at the item in his hand, "Sir? You can't be serious!"

The Admiral chuckles, "C'mon Harm, you hate technology just as much as I do. Just give it a good fling."

Harm starts to bring his arm back to send the computer sailing and then stops and asks, "I'm not going to be charged with Destruction of Government Property, right?"

The Admiral says, "If anyone tries it, you can use undue command influence and duress as your defense. I'm sure the Colonel can handle it."

Harm smiles and yells to Harriet, "Lt Sims, this one is coming at you. Be careful catching it, it's heavier than it looks."

Harm releases the laptop and it gets about 2 feet before it goes "Kerplunk!"

The Admiral grimaces, "Well that didn't work, give it another go."

Harm attempts again, it gets about two inches further than the first attempt before it again falls to the ground.

The Admiral picks it up off the ground and hits the power button and still gets the same blue screen error. He tells everyone, "Damn, well I guess it isn't Airworthy. We will have to try another approach."

The JAG members are standing around wondering what the Admiral has in mind next. They don't have to wait long as they watch him walk the computer over to the fountain and drop it in. He tells everyone, "Take a seat and talk amongst yourselves for a few minutes."

Some of the group is quietly laughing, while others have their eyebrows raised to their hairlines. The Admiral has clearly lost his mind! After 10 minutes he pulls the laptop out of the fountain, and hits the power button again. This time it beeps and then shuts itself off. He furrows his brow and tells the group, "Hmm, can't survive sea trials either."

The Admiral motions for Mac to come over to where he is. He hands her the laptop and requests, "Colonel, let's see if it's fit to be a marine, go bury it in the sandbox."

Mac questions, "Admiral, are you sure."

The Admiral doesn't hesitate, "Damn straight!"

Mac chuckles, "Hey Flyboy, guess you will have to defend me too."

Harm yells, "I got your back, Marine!"

The Colonel does as she is ordered and buries the laptop in the sand. The Admiral says, "Just leave it there, Mac. We'll get it in a little bit." He turns to his yeoman, "Tiner go get the bag out of the back of my SUV. We can play some real Frisbee for a while."

The group is thoroughly enjoying the friends, fun, and the sun. The laptop is completely forgotten about until the Admiral's watch beeps with an alarm about 45 minutes later. The Admiral calls for a time out, and walks over to the sandbox to unbury the laptop. He tries hitting the power button again. This time it doesn't respond at all. The Admiral tells everyone, "Ok, exercise over. What do you all say to a game of softball for the rest of the afternoon? Support staff versus lawyers?"

The gang enjoys the game, with the lawyers winning by only one run. Regardless of the reason they ended up out here, it was a fun filled afternoon of team building.

* * *

**Jag HQ**

**Falls Church, VA**

The next morning, Tiner buzzes the Admiral to let him know that the techs are here to fix his computer.

The Admiral grins, "Send them in."

They walk into the Admiral's office, and the Admiral pulls out the muddy, mangled, mess of a laptop out of a plastic bag and hands it to the techs.

The shorter of the two techs looks at him incredulously, "Well Sir, I can understand why it isn't working. How did this happen?"

The Admiral simply shrugs his shoulders, "I put it through boot camp. Damn thing can fly, can't swim, and can't crawl it's way out of the desert. Please make sure that the replacement one you requisition actually belongs in the United States Navy."

**THE END**


End file.
